My ambition often gets the best of me. The past few months have not been an exception.
At the end of November, amidst a bout of insomnia, I began to chart out my game plan for after the holidays. I told myself "after the holidays" simply because I knew that I had family coming to town and I tend to hibernate under a large boulder during December, not wanting to create any unnecessary human interaction. Looking back, I should have started my game plan then, even a small chunk, so when the time came I would not be jumping directly into the deep end.
The time has come, and gone, and past the horizon of when I would have wanted to start. The plan has multiple aspects; in retrospect, there might be a bit much even for me in my most ambitious and functional state of being-neither of which I am currently in.
Today I have tried to focus on perspective. Yes, my To Do list seems to double over night, which at times is incredibly frustrating. But I need to remember to celebrate what I am able to take on and have accomplished.
The focus of my multifaceted plan is help me center my needs and wants; it is possible to tie them together and find some resemblance of harmony. While whirling away at the daily tasks I have found that most often my frustrations, and more than occasional tears, have come from my sense of vacancy. There are certain parts of my life that if ignored tend to come back and scream "Hey, you there, you need me!"
I was able to break down my needs into three general categories: physical release, a creative outlet, and a way to provide for or take care of myself. Getting my frustrations narrowed into sections with given names helped relieve an inordinate about if anxiety.
Then I needed to take all those abstract ideas that float in and out of my head and transform them into concrete wants. Once these too had names, it gave me freedom to groom them into melding with my needs. If I am able to connect those large concepts then the needs become something that I want to do and I look forward to working with rather than dreading the activities and trying to find ways to avoid them.
I have struggled with finding my balance off and on for years. It seems that once I get a decent rhythm going that life happens and poof it vanishes. I am a creative person who comes from a long line of analytical people, thus my inner parts struggling to dominate does not surprise me. I yearn to create and live flexibly, yet I have an undeniable force to control and organize. My life tends to hover between two extremes: overly organized and labeled to complete disarray and overstocked.
This past week has held a few minor milestones for me physically and mentally; yet I have struggled to recognize those in the shadow of having more that I need or want to do. I am too preoccupied with the next task or goal that I have forgotten to be present in my life now as it is happening. It has led me to not enjoy the beautiful life that I have before me.
I have made goals to change in hopes of not feeling like I was wasting my life by just being or doing only the bare minimum. What good is being able to dream if I don't try to pursue them? It will take time for my dreams to unfold; each part needing its own support, dedication, and celebration.
My being human has allowed me the opportunity to dream and have the ability to do and see so much in this world; it has also provided me with the ability to err. It is up to me how to respond: will I view this day as an accomplishment or as a failure?
Today, I am choosing to be present in my life and celebrate my small victories.