The morning of my first day “off” I actually cried and didn’t know what to do with myself. Granted I had a project list a mile long and appointments to attend, but I still felt like I was not where I was supposed to be. The second day was a little better; but I still questioned my actions-had I made the right decision? It took me over a week for the reality of chosen unemployment in hopes of nontraditional employment to set in.
It has been a definite adjustment. And I am realizing although I yearn for creative freedom and flexibility that I do need a schedule, or minimally a routine, in order for my OCD tendencies to feel satisfied. If I spend all day with my head in the clouds the laundry, the dishes, and feeding the dogs don’t always get done in appropriate time. This chaos then leads me to want to go to the other extreme: deep clean the carpets, apply fresh caulk the showers, and spring clean all the drains-none of which are crucial as far as daily functioning goes.
I also find that I need a regular physical release as well. It helps balance my mental and emotion states; without it I tend to become overly anxious and, frankly, extremely irritable. At first I tried using my physical release as a treat of sorts, if I get This or That completed then I can go for a run. But it didn’t work and I only ended up more upset because I wasn’t able to finish anything and I didn’t get an adrenaline release.
Upon reflection, I realized that I am looking at things slightly off albeit with good intentions. It’s not that I am “too busy” to get all of my To Do list accomplished (both needs and wants are included on this massive tally), I just didn’t have things set in the right priority. In fact, most things were simply hodge-podged together in no particular order, except perhaps the order that my mind produced them.
In order to be functional I needed to set priorities, at least a rough routine, and boundaries. It is ok to allow myself flexibility and if not everything gets finished from my list on a daily basis it is not the end of the world. Granted, being able to see the list dwindling is huge for me-to be able to feel and see that I have made progress toward something allows me to keep up my momentum…otherwise I have a tendency to stay hidden under my rock and fester.
And so, it is finally happening. I jumped into the risky world of the unknown. It was scary, and at times it still is. I didn’t have a concrete plan, but I knew something needed to change in order to get me where I want and need to be. But I didn’t have a set path in order to get from point A to point B. I made the leap because the timing worked out as such. If it hadn’t played into my life this way, I wouldn’t have had the courage to leave and pursue something new.
As I tend to be stubborn in my independent ways, I don’t know that I would have fully followed through if someone had told me that I needed to have my game plan set and account for all possibilities before I made this life changing decision. I had my few weeks of transition time, pretty much holed up inside my home only completing the absolute necessary tasks. I consider this time to be my growth stage, my leap forward, hopefully similar to the change a caterpillar makes inside its chrysalis. Although I haven’t fully emerged yet, I have made the conscious decision to push forward in my endeavors.
I will never make it to point B, where I want to be, if I don’t start putting pushing forward, even if that means I leave the comfort of my hobbit hole in order to claim my new hobbit hole located elsewhere.
Today, that first step begins in the comforts of my home dusting off my computer and beginning to write again. It is a small but monumental step for me. I have held my breath for over a year; the time has come to no longer be in limbo but to finally continue onward with my new life.